Thursday, July 16, 2009

I've been slacking

Sorry, I know I'm behind on updating here. Well, my family all knows now. It's been interesting to see their reactions. I've also told a good portion of my friends. Now, I kinda want to hide. I love all my family and friends dearly and I'm grateful for their well wishing. However, the questions, and even the concern they show towards me, get overwhelming. I have a good 30 messages on facebook and in my email that all need a response. I've been ignoring them all. So, if you sent me a message, I'm sorry. I will respond eventually. Just not right now.

Otherwise, I've been doing ok. Keep on keeping on. I had a bunch of tests a week ago. So far, the results are looking good. The cancer hasn't spread. It also hasn't shrunk at all but that's ok. Without any treatment, it surely would've spread so that means my treatment is working. We just need to fine tune it so it works a little better. :)

I'm on vacation next week and going to Boston to see Rent and some friends out there. I can't even express to you how excited I am. I've seen Rent many a time live (and countless times on DVD). But, there's just something special about seeing it live. My friend Rachel is meeting me in Boston too. Rachel used to be one of my closest friends. Her and I lost touch due to a series of events that don't need to be talked about. In retrospect, it all seems so trivial. We were able to pick up right where we left off though which I think is amazing. I'm thrilled to have her in my life again. I'm also ecstatic to get to share Rent with her. She's a fan of the musical too. I don't know if she's ever seen it live though. If not, she's in for a real treat with this company! The cast is amazing, they give 150% every night.

I also get to see my friend Michael while in Boston. I met him on a Rent forum a couple months back and he's been there for me a lot in the time I've known him. He's listened to me rant about my illness, he's listened to me rave about Rent, he offers his words of encouragement when I'm having a bad day and also knows when to just keep his mouth shut and let me talk. I truly am blessed to have met him. His boyfriend is in the Rent cast so he travels to a good number of tour stops himself.

My roommate has also been amazing with what I'm going through. I know I've not been easy to deal with. I have my moments of severe depression. Wondering what my future holds or if I even have a future. He's still learning how to best react when I'm having those times but he does a pretty darn good job most of the time.

To sum this up. I'm doing ok. Getting by. My family has been great and my friends all the more awesome.

My brain is kinda foggy right now. Unfortunately, it usually is. Which leads me to the link I'm going to leave you with. I advise everyone to read the article posted after this link. It's extremely well written and explains very well what people going through chemo have to deal with. This is a side effect of chemo not often talked about yet it's the hardest side effect to cope with, in my opinion.

“Through the Fog” (Katie Brennan)
That link apparently doesn't work anymore, so here's another link for the piece Katie wrote. 

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Final Connection

I finally told my dad. I had been putting it off and putting it off but I knew I couldn't postpone it any longer. In my dad's typical fashion, he got angry first. He was upset I hadn't told him sooner. I pointed out to him that I tried to tell him sooner but he was refusing my phone calls and calling me names all because of a very petty reason. He admitted that he'd been a jerk to me. I love my dad dearly but he's always had his jerk moments. I've never heard him admit to one before though. That blew me away. Then dad started to get emotional. He hates to show emotions or any vulnerability so he tried to hide it. But, even through the phone, two states away, I could tell he was getting choked up. I'm his baby girl. I'm his first born, will always be 5 years old in his eyes, baby girl. And now his baby girl may be dying.

I'm really glad to have gotten everything out in the open. However, that was definitely one of the hardest phone calls in my entire life.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Follow up to last post

Ok, so I totally chickened out at the mere thought of telling my father and grandmother. I am hoping to phone them tomorrow. We'll see if I follow through.

My sister told me that she told our brother the news. She said he's just confused. He doesn't really understand. That's the best that can be expected really.

My mind is racing right now and I can't think straight. Not a good time to be posting really. So, I'll leave you with a quote I read today.

"If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or Fight Like Hell." --Lance Armstrong