Sunday, November 8, 2009

Appleton, WI

"There is no future.
There is no past.
I live this moment as my last.
There's only us.
There's only this.
Forget regret,
Or life is yours to miss.
No other road.
No other way.
No day but today."

Life has been a whirlwind as of late. No news really on the medical front. My next appointment with my oncologist is in December to find out my current status and make a plan of action accordingly.

I am currently on my way home from Appleton, WI. A few months back I got an email from someone I had only casually spoken with on a Rent website ( Knowing my story and knowing how much Rent means to me, she wanted to do something for me. She offered to pay for me to see Rent with her in Appleton twice. I was shocked. At first I wanted to decline the offer just because it seemed like too much. I've never been good at accepting gifts. After talking with Michael and Brad, though, I realized that I needed to accept. She was doing this because she wanted to and there was no reason why I should feel guilty about it.

So, her and I saw the show this Thursday and Friday and it was amazing. Not that I had any doubts there. But still... I am in awe that the cast can still give 150% every night. I don't know how they do it. Every time I see it it blows me away. Every time I see it I turn into an emotional mess. Every time I see it I am reminded to live each day as if it's my last. No day but today. Forget regret or life is yours to miss. I know I've said this before, but I am going to repeat myself. The show truly is my therapy. The melodies, the lyrics, they take me to another place. They give me the will to keep fighting when I am having a weak moment. Trust me, this week was a weak moment. I was so close to just giving up on Monday. I couldn't take any more. I needed something, anything, to go right for me. Seeing the show the past few days was just the revitalization that I needed!

Spending the past few days with her was truly a blessing. She is a sincere, genuine, caring, loving woman. The kind of person that, unfortunately, seems to be lacking in this world. I was sad to leave her tonight but I know we'll see each other soon. She only lives about 45 min away from me.

Ok, I have to make a random paragraph here that is going to sound a little more fangirl-like than I'd like it to. But, I have to be open. Back in 2007 I made a point of going to NYC to see Rent because Anthony and Adam were back in the show for a couple months. I knew it would be my once in a lifetime chance to see them in the roles live. I left NYC completely satisfied, thinking that was it for my Rent experiences. If you had told me then that today I would not only have seen them in the show 11 times and counting, but that I would have actually held conversations with them, that they would know who I was even, that Anthony's significant other would become someone I consider a close friend of mine, I would have told you that you were certifiably insane.

Sometimes I sit back in just pure awe at the path my life has taken.

The fact that a silly online game would bring me to Chicago and (through a series of events) to the man who makes me happier than anyone ever could. The people I've met. The places I've travelled. The things I've done. It really does astonish me sometimes.

Along that vein, it was six months ago today I got my diagnosis. I was told then that I probably wouldn't live to see the year's end. They gave me about 6 months. Yet, I am still here and healthier than ever. Yes, I am still battling cancer. Yes, I still have a long road ahead of me. But, I went from a distraught person who wanted to give up in May to a person who is confident she will beat this. That she will be a survivor. She will not be a statistic. I will not let this take me. This I know for certain. As more than one person has told me, I am too stubborn to die. They say that in jest but I think it's true. The moment I stop fighting, the moment I lose hope, I will die. I need to be stubborn in order to be strong.

Well, I think I made up for my lack of updates by posting two in one day.

Here is a quote from Rent I am going to leave you all with.

"You always said how lucky you were that we were all friends - but it was us, baby, who were the lucky ones," as said by Maureen at Angel's funeral. That's what I aspire to be. I want to be the kind of person that gets things like that said at their funeral. Perhaps that sounds too morbid for some of you but truly, I look up to the character of Angel. Angel was sick and dying yet still put everyone before themself. Truly selfless and loving without stipulations. The kind of person we should all aspire to be.


I couldn't do this without you.

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