Sorry, I know I'm behind on updating here. Well, my family all knows now. It's been interesting to see their reactions. I've also told a good portion of my friends. Now, I kinda want to hide. I love all my family and friends dearly and I'm grateful for their well wishing. However, the questions, and even the concern they show towards me, get overwhelming. I have a good 30 messages on facebook and in my email that all need a response. I've been ignoring them all. So, if you sent me a message, I'm sorry. I will respond eventually. Just not right now.
Otherwise, I've been doing ok. Keep on keeping on. I had a bunch of tests a week ago. So far, the results are looking good. The cancer hasn't spread. It also hasn't shrunk at all but that's ok. Without any treatment, it surely would've spread so that means my treatment is working. We just need to fine tune it so it works a little better. :)
I'm on vacation next week and going to Boston to see Rent and some friends out there. I can't even express to you how excited I am. I've seen Rent many a time live (and countless times on DVD). But, there's just something special about seeing it live. My friend Rachel is meeting me in Boston too. Rachel used to be one of my closest friends. Her and I lost touch due to a series of events that don't need to be talked about. In retrospect, it all seems so trivial. We were able to pick up right where we left off though which I think is amazing. I'm thrilled to have her in my life again. I'm also ecstatic to get to share Rent with her. She's a fan of the musical too. I don't know if she's ever seen it live though. If not, she's in for a real treat with this company! The cast is amazing, they give 150% every night.
I also get to see my friend Michael while in Boston. I met him on a Rent forum a couple months back and he's been there for me a lot in the time I've known him. He's listened to me rant about my illness, he's listened to me rave about Rent, he offers his words of encouragement when I'm having a bad day and also knows when to just keep his mouth shut and let me talk. I truly am blessed to have met him. His boyfriend is in the Rent cast so he travels to a good number of tour stops himself.
My roommate has also been amazing with what I'm going through. I know I've not been easy to deal with. I have my moments of severe depression. Wondering what my future holds or if I even have a future. He's still learning how to best react when I'm having those times but he does a pretty darn good job most of the time.
To sum this up. I'm doing ok. Getting by. My family has been great and my friends all the more awesome.
My brain is kinda foggy right now. Unfortunately, it usually is. Which leads me to the link I'm going to leave you with. I advise everyone to read the article posted after this link. It's extremely well written and explains very well what people going through chemo have to deal with. This is a side effect of chemo not often talked about yet it's the hardest side effect to cope with, in my opinion.
“Through the Fog” (Katie Brennan)That link apparently doesn't work anymore, so here's another link for the piece Katie wrote.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Final Connection
I finally told my dad. I had been putting it off and putting it off but I knew I couldn't postpone it any longer. In my dad's typical fashion, he got angry first. He was upset I hadn't told him sooner. I pointed out to him that I tried to tell him sooner but he was refusing my phone calls and calling me names all because of a very petty reason. He admitted that he'd been a jerk to me. I love my dad dearly but he's always had his jerk moments. I've never heard him admit to one before though. That blew me away. Then dad started to get emotional. He hates to show emotions or any vulnerability so he tried to hide it. But, even through the phone, two states away, I could tell he was getting choked up. I'm his baby girl. I'm his first born, will always be 5 years old in his eyes, baby girl. And now his baby girl may be dying.
I'm really glad to have gotten everything out in the open. However, that was definitely one of the hardest phone calls in my entire life.
I'm really glad to have gotten everything out in the open. However, that was definitely one of the hardest phone calls in my entire life.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Follow up to last post
Ok, so I totally chickened out at the mere thought of telling my father and grandmother. I am hoping to phone them tomorrow. We'll see if I follow through.
My sister told me that she told our brother the news. She said he's just confused. He doesn't really understand. That's the best that can be expected really.
My mind is racing right now and I can't think straight. Not a good time to be posting really. So, I'll leave you with a quote I read today.
"If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or Fight Like Hell." --Lance Armstrong
My sister told me that she told our brother the news. She said he's just confused. He doesn't really understand. That's the best that can be expected really.
My mind is racing right now and I can't think straight. Not a good time to be posting really. So, I'll leave you with a quote I read today.
"If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or Fight Like Hell." --Lance Armstrong
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Halfway there
I finally started to tell my family my news. Some of you might wonder why in the world I didn't tell them as soon as I got my diagnosis. Truth is, you don't know my family. It would take too much time to give a proper explanation. Suffice to say, I'm accustomed to doing things on my own and this was no different.
However, various friends of mine convinced me that perhaps I should be telling them all. So, I started with my cousin/pseudo big sister. Her and I grew up together, both living with Grandma (my dad's mom), until she went off to college at 18 (I was 8 at the time). Then, I told two other cousins. At this point, I figured I should tell my immediate family before they found out by way of family gossip and then hung me out to dry for not telling them first.
I tried calling my sister to tell her but kept chickening out and instead asked how her daughter and the family was doing every time. So, I tried my mom. I told her everything. She was disappointed I hadn't told her sooner but she seemed understanding too. She said she was proud of me for being so strong to face this and that she was proud to call me her daughter. That made me speechless. Twenty seven years I've been waiting to hear her say she was proud of me. All it took was this. She's been calling me almost daily to check in on me. Another miracle coming from her. It's amazing what a little perspective will do for her.
Mom then told my sister for me. My sister was rather ticked off I hadn't told her sooner, especially given that we talk almost every day if not multiple times a day. I hope she can understand why I didn't tell her sooner. I didn't want to worry her or stress her out.
The only main people left to tell are my little brother, my father and my grandmother on my father's side. I don't know how to tell my brother. He's 13 years old. While he's rather mature for his age, he's still only 13. I don't know what all he'll be able to grasp. My father is not speaking to me right now due to his own petty, immature issues. So, that poses it's own problem about me telling him. Telling my grandmother will be very difficult emotionally. I know she's gonna take it hard and that's gonna be hard on me. But, tomorrow, I will tell them all. I just hope I have the strength.
I still have a good 492 (only a slight exaggeration!) cousins, aunts and uncles that I haven't told. But, I'll let the family pass the info along to the rest of them.
However, various friends of mine convinced me that perhaps I should be telling them all. So, I started with my cousin/pseudo big sister. Her and I grew up together, both living with Grandma (my dad's mom), until she went off to college at 18 (I was 8 at the time). Then, I told two other cousins. At this point, I figured I should tell my immediate family before they found out by way of family gossip and then hung me out to dry for not telling them first.
I tried calling my sister to tell her but kept chickening out and instead asked how her daughter and the family was doing every time. So, I tried my mom. I told her everything. She was disappointed I hadn't told her sooner but she seemed understanding too. She said she was proud of me for being so strong to face this and that she was proud to call me her daughter. That made me speechless. Twenty seven years I've been waiting to hear her say she was proud of me. All it took was this. She's been calling me almost daily to check in on me. Another miracle coming from her. It's amazing what a little perspective will do for her.
Mom then told my sister for me. My sister was rather ticked off I hadn't told her sooner, especially given that we talk almost every day if not multiple times a day. I hope she can understand why I didn't tell her sooner. I didn't want to worry her or stress her out.
The only main people left to tell are my little brother, my father and my grandmother on my father's side. I don't know how to tell my brother. He's 13 years old. While he's rather mature for his age, he's still only 13. I don't know what all he'll be able to grasp. My father is not speaking to me right now due to his own petty, immature issues. So, that poses it's own problem about me telling him. Telling my grandmother will be very difficult emotionally. I know she's gonna take it hard and that's gonna be hard on me. But, tomorrow, I will tell them all. I just hope I have the strength.
I still have a good 492 (only a slight exaggeration!) cousins, aunts and uncles that I haven't told. But, I'll let the family pass the info along to the rest of them.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
"Will I"
I was given the idea to make a blog just about the journey ahead of me. I don't know if this blog will end up just being about my current situation. But, I'm sure it will be the primary focus for sure. I wanted to start off with the song that inspired the title for this. "Will I" is a song from the musical Rent. The characters are at a meeting, a group therapy session if you will, and are talking about their concerns and fears given the medical crisis they are facing. It's a song that resonates deeply within me.
"Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?"
It's a simple chorus that is repeated a few times through. That is where I am right now. I'm worried about losing my dignity. Worried about being alone, about people not caring. Worried about seeing this through to the other side.
Now, to explain all of this.
I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Melanoma about a month back.
I am almost 27 years old, losing my hair from chemo, and fighting for my life.
I have the strength I need to get through it because of Rent. When I am having a bad day, and feeling down about it all, I listen to the soundtrack. The music touches me in ways I can't even begin to explain. The lyrics and melodies take me to a place that makes me strong. It also reminds me to live each day as though it may be my last, to love everyone completely and to cherish what time I do have. But most importantly, to never stop fighting. The song "Will I" resonates deep within my soul. I never thought my love of RENT could get any stronger but I was mistaken. It went from being a musical that I was a huge fan of to a story that gave me the will to fight.
As such, you will probably see me quoting a lot of songs from the musical here along with giving random updates as to my health and status and whatnot.
"Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?"
It's a simple chorus that is repeated a few times through. That is where I am right now. I'm worried about losing my dignity. Worried about being alone, about people not caring. Worried about seeing this through to the other side.
Now, to explain all of this.
I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Melanoma about a month back.
I am almost 27 years old, losing my hair from chemo, and fighting for my life.
I have the strength I need to get through it because of Rent. When I am having a bad day, and feeling down about it all, I listen to the soundtrack. The music touches me in ways I can't even begin to explain. The lyrics and melodies take me to a place that makes me strong. It also reminds me to live each day as though it may be my last, to love everyone completely and to cherish what time I do have. But most importantly, to never stop fighting. The song "Will I" resonates deep within my soul. I never thought my love of RENT could get any stronger but I was mistaken. It went from being a musical that I was a huge fan of to a story that gave me the will to fight.
As such, you will probably see me quoting a lot of songs from the musical here along with giving random updates as to my health and status and whatnot.
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